Sunday, April 03, 2005

I probably shouldn't be writing this post because I am so very sad. And sad people don't generally write interesting/entertaining blogs. Yes, I am so sad there are actually tears running down my face at this very moment. As if any of you needed to know that. Sorry.

So, why I am sad? WEll, I suppose it is the result of a number of recent and not so recent events that are causing me angst and heartbreak and major stress. Let me list the ways... but first, let me congratulate Miss Jennifer MacPhail on scoring big time in the job department at Walt Disney Florida - she'll soon be strutting her stuff as a food/beverage server whilst hanging out with Mickey and Donald.

OK, so as for the list:

1. My best friends are vacating the flat we have shared for the last ten months. Keri is searching for a new flat and still trying to decide whether she wants to do the live-in job thing this summer. Jen is doing her Europe Trip in May and then spending the summer trying to make some money.

2. In regards to the above I am now left to find a new flatmate (Kelly Coffin is taking up one room) AND, more concerning, I have to sign a new lease, since I wasn't on the previous one. This means I have to committ to another six months here and take full responsibilty for the flat. I am not happy with either of these scenarios.

3. Work is doing nothing for me mentally. I am disappointed with the fact that my main plan for the near-distant future (to study in Sweden) is not going to pan out. I am flat out of other creative ideas and it seems my mind is too numb to provide for any further creative thinking at the moment.

4. Mid-likfe crisis continues to plague me. Career is lacking, direction is minimal, and significant other is completely absent.

5. You know, it's only after you've finally discovered what it is to love someone unconditionally, that you can really understand how devastating it is to be unable to express those feelings... and how utterly impossible it is to simply ignore their presence in your heart and head.

So, that's it. For the first time since I arrived here, I am utterly and completely homesick. I forgot how horrible it feels. I just want to be home right now, sitting on the deck, listening to the birds chirp and feeling the cool breezes of spring against my face. I want to forget all the burdens of being an adult, and enjoy the bliss of having not a care in the world. But somehow, I'm pretty sure that is the stuff of fairytales or movies or something. Reality is something else entirely.

I am at a loss. How am I supposed to recover from this? The sick feeling at the pit of my stomach is something I've not experienced in a long while. OK, so I suffered similar downfall in November, it was 'only' heartbreak that was the culprit then. This time around it seems as though almost every facet of life that has been providing me happiness is now causing me pain or confusion.

Randomly, I have been pondering the following possibilities:

1. Moving back to Canada sooner rather than later
2. Moving to Belfast
3. Sticking it out here for the summer in hopes that time and fate will work in my favour
4. Working on a cruise ship
5. Moving to Australia/New Zealand - some sunshine might help shed light

Yeah, so I am sorry that this post holds title ' as most Sad & Depressing Ever', but I had to get this off my chest, and since I don't have a dog, well I had to blog.

On the good news front - I have my health and it is sunny, gorgeous day here.


JIm said...

Hi Shannon, something to build on...your good health and a beautiful day. We're reading your blog and thinking about you.


Anonymous said...

Hi Shannon If things are changing -go with the flow- cruise ship sounds different and it flowoats. Nice to hear from you on the phone but would be nicer if you were here or I there. LL&A Daddy

Anonymous said...

Hi Shannon:

An old friend here who sent you an email with special news recently! Keep your chin up, this too will pass. Consider a new option.. all you listed sounded great. Time to make a change, either in work, or location, something to spice things up. You can do it, I know you can. Miss you lots! Janet

Rob said...

Dear Shannon
My daughter Hope is partly in your space - is it time to stop wandering?

I think that we can make home anywhere after we commit.

I know that what I say may seem very parental but after many years of seeking for meaing out there. The truth of the matter is that it is in here. Remember at the end of the Wizard of Oz? All that effort and the Wizard leaves without her in thbe baloon. Hearbroken, Dorothy thinks that she can never get home. But then the Good Witch Glinda tells here that she could always have gone home - all she had to do was to ask and click her heels.

Home, dear Shannon, has always been inside you and always will be. Once you stop looking for it out there, you will find it and it will find you too.

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