Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Freedom 35

It has recently come to my attention that I am at my best when armed with a 'plan'. There must always be a plan in motion or on the horizon, otherwise I find myself stressing at the lack of stress in my life. This, in turn, leads me to waste my free time eating copious amounts of chocolate and watching terrible t.v. shows like 'Dance Your Ass Off', which makes me wonder whether I should have pursued my childhood dream of being a dancer. Then I look soberly at my chocolate-enhanced thighs. No, I wouldn't 'fit' the requirements to be a contestant in 'Dance Your Ass Off', but I'm also not exactly lithe or graceful. And so, you see, disturbing things happen when I am without a plan.

In addition to these revelations regarding my need for a plan, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and contemplation about life in general. As noted in my last post, these past few months have resulted in some rather monumental changes in my life. I've moved beyond plotting adventures that involve working holiday visas and trying to figure out what I'm passionate about. I have figured that part of the equation out. It's a big part of the puzzle and I am elated that my persistence and willingness to jump into the unknown paid off (and in spades).

But now I feel a bit adrift - I have figured out that I am passionate about food and writing, that I love helping people and sharing what I've learned with others, and that I need to see tangible results from my efforts (whether those results be someone giving me a smile of thanks or seeing an event I organized take place). And yet, I am in a job that does not fulfill these desires. Further, I am wholly enamoured with Steak Man whom is, without a doubt, a 'keeper' and, given my ripe old age, my thoughts have turned to things that I'd not given much consideration to before, like houses and dogs and children. Most days I cannot fathom how it is possible to 'have it all' and remain sane. Why, some days I don't even find the time to do my own dishes (rarely, but it does happen) and I've spent far less time writing for pleasure than I did pre-thesis. I keep asking myself - is it possible to have a family, have a career and still find time for yourself and your passions. I am far from having clarity, but some initial thoughts, observations and conversations have given me some valuable insights. Take, for example, a conversation I had with a father of two young children, who has a full-time job that he seems to love, blogs and tweets regularly, appears to have a loving relationship with his wife ( a woman who is a force unto herself as a writer, student, educator, and mother). One day, a few months ago, I asked him how he found the time to do it all. He replied that BF (before family) he taught English in an Asian country, spent most of his evenings drinking beer at the bars and hanging out with friends...now he doesn't booze it up and spends his days at a job he loves. Hmmm...me thinks I may be stumbling onto a quite obvious and simple answer to the question of how to have it all. Clearly, I need to cut back on the nights out at Asian bars.....

OK, joking aside, a lot of contemplation has led me to conclude that I must be bold and follow my passions. I have further concluded that in order to do this, I will have to take another leap of faith.... More to come on that front in posts to follow. But lest anyone (especially Steak Man) be concerned that I am going to take off, fear not, this is home now. I'd be doing my heart a disservice if I left, for everything I could want for is here. It is up to me now to carve out a fulfilling and meaningful life.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh, those evenings spend drinking inexpensive beer at Asian bars, in hot a tropical climate, eating street food.... How I miss those evenings.....