Monday, November 03, 2008

Great Expectations

I've discovered I have an expectations.  Oh how I cringe at the idea of living up to someone else's expectations. Heck, I have a hard enough time living up to my OWN expectations. Well, it turns out that in deciding to go to grad school I've opted to let myself be subject to others' expectations. I can't count the number of times I've been reminded that I'm a grad student - and occasionally that I'm a grad student at Queen's. Apparently that has merit, apparently they don't accept just anyone. Sigh. I'm not saying this to toot a horn of any kind, I'm saying it because it freaks me out. I don't want to be subject to expectations regarding my ability to perform to standards set by others, and particularly those set by an academic institution with particular views of what merits worthiness and what doesn't. Eek.  I decided to embark on this journey because I had a passion that wasn't being nurtured, but now I am getting a bit stressed because it turns out, as a grad student, people expect certain things of me - namely that  I can think critically and produce higher quality work than I did in my undergrad.  
And I don't doubt my abilities. I'd just prefer not to have the pressure to demonstrate them all the time. Can I not have an off year in my ability to think critically? Seriously.  I have completely neglected my creative writing since the  craziness of summer began and now with school in full swing, my dedication to myself seems only to be with attending to my physical well-being. That is to say, I am still going to the gym every day and doing WW, but not sitting at the computer, writing creative stuff. Nor am I checking out indie films or reading anything besides food literature and environmental assessment articles. Gah.  

OK, moan over. I am going to go back to writing my SSHRC application b/c apparently I have to seek out scholarships. Fun!!

1 comment:

Mr Wonderful said...

Hang in there Shan. Just be yourself and to heck with what others expect. Remember Stuart Smalley says, I am good enough, I am smart enough and gosh darn it people like me. :-)